Cursed with clarity

I went to my nephew's graduation party yesterday, and I had a good time. Late summer night,a fire and company strikes up a certain mood and I had a good conversation. Add me, my two brothers and a blanket and you have what makes a good evening. We talked quite a bit about the more serious aspects of our lives and ourselves, something I wish we could do more often. Turns out we've all developed a way of keeping things to ourselves as not to worry others. I also talked a bit to one mof my half sisters and found something out about someone close to me that I didn't know before. Although tragic, it changed things. It made me realize, fully, that as much as I'd like to...this is soemthing I cna't stop or change. I'v eknown it logically for a long time but emotionally I've still held on to it, wanting so desperately for things to be okay. But last night I found out it's been going on for so much longer than I could even imagine and the fact that it started when I was so little I can't even remember -even before I was even born- is what finally amde me accept the situation as it is, heart breaking as it may be. I came home at three thirty this morning and I cried. Not because of helplessness or worry as I had before, but because it broke my heart. I cried for her, for the fact that she's suffered so much for so long. It always has and always will break my heart...but I let go now. I have to.