People often ask me why, when I go to see a band or a singer that I love perform, I go to so many shows. I usually try to go to as many in one go as I can afford, often two, three or more in a row. Explaining to people why I do this is tricky, mostly because when I'm at a show, it's all about emotions, and I find it hard to put those emotions into words sometimes. Also, there's the simple truth that if you know what it felt like, you would understand completely and I wouldn't need to explain it to you - but if you don't, there isn't anything that I could say that could fully make you understand the ecstacy.
When I am at a concert, it is so much more than just a good night out; so much more than listening to someone sing. Because I don't just listen to the music; I feel the music. To every song that is being performed, I have a memory and a feeling that goes with it. I re-live all my gut-wrenching pain, all my ecstatic joy, and everything in between. It is a hugely emotional experience for me, and it's like that every single time I hear the song to which I have a memory attached. And it's because of that that I don't find it boring or repetitive to go to several shows in a row. ”My” bands and performers have shared the ups and downs of my life for years, some of them for decades. That does unevitably create an emotional bond between my heart and their art.
There are so many things I love about a concert crowd. Those that know me know that I am hugely fascinated by large, enthusiastic audiences. It is something about the way they sound (that differs depending on where in the world you are, or if the crows in question is largely male or female) that really gets to me. Then there's the roar it makes when the lights go down and people get pumped up for the big release that happens when the performer in question finally enters the stage. From that moment, and for two hours on...nothing else exists. Nothing matters. All your troubles, all your insecurities, and the memories of anyone that has ever hurt you or let you down...are erased. It is a world within a world, where reality is left at the door when you check your ticket. It is tears, laughter, sweat, confetti that clings to your damp skin, rhythm, lights, and racing heartbeats. It is arms in the air, goosebumps, unison and symbiosis, and an exchange of energy where the performer and audience feed off each other. It is acceptance and belonging and being a part of something; of that audience that becomes like one big, breathing organism and life force of its own.
Some of the most amazing and memorable moments of my life have been during concerts. I have heard Take That perform ”Love ain't here anymore” under a sky pink from the summer sunset, with 60,000 people singing along. I have seen an entire arena rise to its feet at Céline Dion hitting that high D in ”All By Myself”. I have felt my seat vibrate from the impact of the tapping shoes of fifty dancers in flawless unison at Riverdance. I've seen Marilyn Manson on his knees, holding on to bassist Twiggy Ramirez's shirt sleeve so hard the knuckles on his gloved hands where whitening, screaming ”let me show you where it hurts!” during "Pretty as a Swastika".
I have queued for hours in the blistering cold and the scorching heat to secure my place at the front, I have refreshed the ticket sites non stop for hours on end for the hope of that one ticket. I've held the hands of strangers, sung at the top of my lungs, looked around me at a crowd of twenty thousand people bathing in light prisms and hues of green, yellow, blue and red. I have closed my eyes with tears streaming down my face at the sound of my favourite singer's voice breaking with emotion. I've had my favourite performers and inspirations look straight in to the lense of my camera creating stunning shots, I've had them sing to me, I've had them touch my hands when I've reached out to touch theirs. I've seen them laugh, cry, scream and whisper with broken voices thick from emotion. Some artists I've seen shortly after discovering them, others I've waited years to see. Some I never will, as their lives were tragically cut short before I was lucky enough to get to experience their magic in person.
Music is my oxygen, my prison window, and my sanity. It's how I live, how I die, how I am resurrected, and how I survive. Inside the walls of an arena or on the grounds of a stadium is the only place where I can be who I want to be, and feel what I want to feel. It's where I feel accepted and part of something, and where that huge label screaming "OUTSIDER" that I have always had atatched to my skin is ripped off in one quick go like a bandaid. People will hurt and leave you if they can, but music...never will. Without those moments of acceptance and sense of being okay and for once belonging, even if it's just for a little while...my soul would wither.
You ask me how I can go to so many shows, but with everything I've just tried to explain to you...I ask you how I could not.
